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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862933">The Only Thing I'm Sure Of</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrollingKingfisher/pseuds/ScrollingKingfisher'>ScrollingKingfisher</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cameos by the rest of the nein, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Post-Episode 96, Team as Family, They're all fucked up but they're all fucked up together</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:42:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrollingKingfisher/pseuds/ScrollingKingfisher</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The first sign that something was up with Caduceus had probably been earlier. <br/>Maybe the first sign should have been the slightly off look on his face as they all teleported out of Uthodern and away from his family. <br/>Or maybe they should have noticed the awful silence when he saw his mother turned to stone, followed by the equally awful blank look on his face when he turned around to tell them to all be very careful. <br/>Or even before any of that, when Caduceus had called asking his deity about his family a ‘moment of weakness’, snapped at them for asking about it, and kept trying to put off seeing what had happened to them with weeks-long sea voyages. </p>
<p>Yeah, looking back, they probably should have pushed him to talk about that a little more. Definitely should have.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>130</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Only Thing I'm Sure Of</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>The first sign that something wasn’t alright with Caduceus came that evening, while they were all sitting around their table in the Lavish Chateau, when he reached down and pulled a small jar from the bottom of his pack. </p>
<p>Well, okay, no. The first sign had probably been earlier. Maybe the first sign should have been the slightly off look on his face as they all teleported out of Uthodern and away from his family. Or maybe they should have noticed the awful silence when he saw his mother turned to stone, followed by the equally awful blank look on his face when he turned around to tell them to all be very careful (not that there had been much time after that for emotional discussions, what with the giant metal bull). Or even before any of that, when Caduceus had called asking his deity about his family a ‘moment of weakness’, snapped at them for asking about it, and kept trying to put off seeing what had happened to them with weeks-long sea voyages. </p>
<p>Yeah, looking back, they probably should have pushed him to talk about that a little more. Definitely should have.</p>
<p>But the first sign of just <em> how </em>deep the problem went was when Caduceus dug a big glob of hallucinogenic temple-fruit jam out of the pot with one finger, wiped it into the glass of Nicodranan fruit juice in front of him, and shotted it back in one long gulp. </p>
<p>“Woah there!” Fjord reached out three seconds two late as Caduceus set the empty glass back on the table with a clunk, “take it easy!”</p>
<p>“Hey man, lay off. He’s had a rough couple of days,” Beau commented from over her mug of ale. But she didn’t stop Fjord from prying the jar out of Caduceus’ unresisting fingers. Caleb and Jester, who had been having a quiet conversation at the other end of the table, glanced at each other. The chatter of the bar continued raucously around them, but their table quickly fell silent with surprise. </p>
<p>Fjord exchanged his own quizzical glance with the others. If it had been Nott or Beau taking hallucinogens, none of them would have done more than roll their eyes and brace themselves for the epic hangovers.</p>
<p>But this was Caduceus. He just didn’t <em> do </em>things like this.</p>
<p>Caduceus hiccuped, grimacing at the too-tart taste of the fruit. He looked up and blinked, seeming to notice the rest of them all staring at him for the first time. “I’m fine,” he said in answer to their unspoken questions. “Just felt like pushing the boat out a little and relaxing, that’s all.”</p>
<p>It was a lie. Fjord had spent enough time around Caduceus in the last couple of weeks to start to notice the minute ticks that were the only things that gave away what was going on underneath the surface of his placid expression- the way his ears flicked backwards just slightly might as well have been a flinch. </p>
<p>“Sure.” Fjord said diplomatically, taking another long sip of his drink. He could feel the gazes of the others watching, that strange tension building around them. The pressure of something that had long been brewing under the surface rapidly coming to a head. </p>
<p>Caduceus could obviously feel it too. For a fraction of a second, his face twisted into an uncharacteristic grimace of irritation, before smoothing itself out again. He turned to face Fjord fully, taking a deep breath.</p>
<p>“Look. The last few days…” He shook his head, ears flicking again. “It's been a lot. I might have been a little stressed,” he said slowly and methodically, as though he was having to extract the words with tweezers. He looked Fjord in the eye, his expression open and calm and comforting. “But I’m dealing with it. Nothing to worry about.”<br/><br/>An ear twitched. Another lie.</p>
<p>Fjord jogged his knee nervously under the table, wondering how exactly to deal with this. This was new territory. Usually it was the rest of them having breakdowns, or acting out, and Caduceus talking them through it with his wise words. Should he… should he call him out? Or would that make it worse?<br/><br/>But apparently he wasn’t the only observant one. Beau beat him to it, as direct and subtle as a mace to the face. “Look, man, do you want to talk about it, or- hey, where are you going?” </p>
<p>Caduceus had pushed himself hurriedly away from the table, staggering up to his full height, wobbling a little and grasping the back of a chair for balance. </p>
<p>“You’re right Beau, it has been a long day, and I’m tired. I’ll see you all in the morning.”</p>
<p>“Cad-”</p>
<p>“Caduceus!”</p>
<p>But he was already gone, wading quickly through the crowd, using his height to push past the revellers. They all watched him ascend the stairs, shoulders stooping the further he got, before disappearing into the corridor. </p>
<p>Well, fuck. </p>
<p>Fjord sighed and knocked back the rest of his drink. “Good work, Beau.” He stood. “I’ll go and get this, you lot stay down here and relax.”<br/><br/>Beau scowled and pushed herself upright. “Like hell we will!” </p>
<p>“We’re coming too!” Jester and Caleb had stood from the table. </p>
<p>Fjord threw his hands up in defeat as the rest of them all pushed back their chairs. “Fine! Whatever. Looks like we’re all going.” </p>
<p>Silently, though, he couldn’t help but be glad they were flanking him as he pushed his own way towards the staircase. What the hell was he going to say to Caduceus? He didn’t even have a clue what the problem was!</p>
<p>Jester appeared at his shoulder as they all reached the top of the stairs, biting her lip. “What’s wrong with him?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, he’s just been… off since we got back. Has he told you anything?”</p>
<p>She shook her head.</p>
<p>They got up to the corridor their rooms were on, thankfully quieter than the bar downstairs. Fjord got to the door and hesitated as the rest crowded around.<br/><br/>“Go on!” Nott hissed. </p>
<p>Fjord took a deep breath and knocked. </p>
<p>“Hey, Cad, it’s us.”</p>
<p>There was a long pause.<br/><br/>“Come in,” came a muffled voice from inside.</p>
<p>Slowly, Fjord pushed open the door. Caduceus was sitting on the bed, his lanky legs crossed underneath him. He didn’t look up as they filed in, one ear twitching as Nott shut the door quietly behind them. The rest of them all hovered awkwardly around the doorway while Fjord approached.</p>
<p>Caduceus looked up. “I have to admit, when I said you could come in, I didn’t think you meant all of you.”</p>
<p>Fjord sat down next to him, the springs creaking gently under his weight. “Come on, man. Something’s wrong. You know you can tell us, right?”</p>
<p>“It’s nothing, really, I wouldn’t want to burden you.”</p>
<p>Beau snorted rudely. “Shut up. Come on, tell us. It can’t be any worse than what you’ve heard about the rest of us.”</p>
<p>“No really, it’s fine, it’s-” Caduceus must have caught sight of Beau’s expression because he sighed and gave in, his shoulders slumping. “It’s my… it’s my family.”<br/><br/>His family? He must be missing something here. Fjord nodded slowly. “They seemed like lovely folks. What about them?”</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s not them.” Caduceus waved a hand. “Not directly. But seeing them, like that, it dug up some… some things I’d rather would have stayed buried. It seems to be happening a lot, nowadays. The un-burying.”<br/><br/>Fjord took a minute, trying to work out what the hell that meant. “I… I’m not sure I’m following. What sort of things? Un-burying?” <br/><br/>Caduceus opened his mouth, but before he could answer, Jester spoke up unexpectedly from near the door. “Actually, Fjord, I think I know.” </p>
<p>“You… you do?”</p>
<p>Fjord glanced at her, then at Caduceus, but he seemed just as confused. They both watched her as she walked closer, seating herself on the edge of the bed, adjusting and fidgeting with her skirts. </p>
<p>“Well, maybe I don’t understand <em> all </em> the way, but a little bit.” She looked up at Caduceus. Her voice was quiet, subdued. “I’ve been thinking a lot, you know, since I’ve left home. Most of the time it’s amazing! I have friends, and I’m meeting new people, and adventuring is so exciting. But sometimes…” Jester pauses, eyes darting and voice dropping to a whisper like she’s admitting something forbidden. “Sometimes I feel angry at my Mama. For how it was, when I was little. And I think that’s a little the same as how you were with your family. Because it wasn’t anything she did, you know? It's just that she wanted… she <em> needed… </em>she needed me to be good. And quiet. And out of sight.”</p>
<p>Caduceus went still. One ear flicked. Jester kept going. “And I wanted to be good, because of course I wanted my Mama to be happy! So I was quiet as a mouse. Nobody saw me for a long time, but that was fine, because Mama was happy, and the Traveller even made it into a game, you know? How much sneaking and mischief I could do without them noticing. But I was lonely, and it wasn’t reeeally what I wanted, you see? It was like what my Mama wanted and how I wanted her to be happy got all tangled up until I wasn’t even sure what <em> I </em>wanted any more. And then I look back at all those years I spent in my room and I’m… I’m angry!”</p>
<p>She looked down, and Fjord was shocked to see her eyes glimmer with tears. There was a moment as Caduceus just stared at her, utterly silent. </p>
<p>The words started to crawl desperately up Fjord’s throat. He had to say something. Anything. Comfort Jester, comfort Caduceus, he didn’t know what to do first, he didn’t know how-</p>
<p>Caduceus spoke, the words barely a whisper but heavy as stone. “Someone had to stay behind.”</p>
<p>He trailed off. Fjord bit his tongue. They all watched, waiting for Caduceus to continue. </p>
<p>“Someone had to maintain the Grove. And… it wasn’t as if my parents ever asked it of me. But…”</p>
<p>“You’ve always been perceptive,” Fjord said quietly, “You knew they were stressed. About the forest dying.”<br/><br/>Caduceus nodded, staring into his lap. “They were stressed about leaving, too. They didn’t like it any more than the rest of us. And Clarabelle was so upset, and Colton was already desperate to leave, and Calliope…” He trailed off again. Shook his head, ears still pinned back. “They had to go. Someone had to stay. I just wanted to make it easier. For everyone. It was my <em> choice! </em> It was my <em> choice </em>to take that on! To stay! What right do I have to be angry at them for my own decisions?” But Fjord could hear the anger rumbling in his voice, dragged up from somewhere deep inside.</p>
<p>Jester put a hand on his knee. “You can love them and be angry with them.”</p>
<p>Caduceus’ nostrils flared. “I don’t want to be angry with them!”<br/><br/>“Then don’t be!” Jester’s tail smacked against the headboard. “That’s fine, Caduceus. It doesn't have to be <em> at </em>them. But it doesn't really matter, because even if it’s not their fault, it’s hurt you now. And… I think we’re allowed to be angry about it.”</p>
<p>Caduceus was quiet for a second. Fjord could see a tiny tremor in his hands. “It doesn’t feel like I should be allowed. Nothing even happened to me.” He glanced up towards Beau. “My parents loved me. They cared for me. They never raised a hand to me, insulted me, never forced me into anything or threw me out… why should I get to feel angry when people have to experience that?”</p>
<p>Fjord opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Beau awkwardly pushed away from the wall. “Cad, this isn’t a competition.” She moved away from where Caleb and Nott were still by the door to crouch in front of him, voice unusually soft. “Like sure, my family sucked, but at least I <em> knew </em>they sucked, right? My dad slapping me and having me abducted by monks, that was fucked up. But turns out, from what I’ve been seeing,” she glanced at Jester, “family can fuck you up even without being bastards. Even when they’re kind. Even when they love you and care about you. They can fuck you up just by needing you to be good, and calm, and put-together, and you won’t even know about it until you’re all grown up, and one day you look in the mirror and realise you don’t even know how to step out of those shoes any more.”</p>
<p>Fjord felt a stroke of pride. There were the words that he’d been struggling to find. Caduceus sucked in a sharp, quivering breath. </p>
<p>“They needed you, man, and you’re right, that’s not really their fault. But they could have taken you with them. You shouldn’t have had to make that choice.”</p>
<p>“I…” Caduceus’ voice quivered.</p>
<p>“Aww, Caduceus, it’s okay!” Jester reached up and rubbed his shoulder.</p>
<p>“<em>Ya, </em> my friend, we are here for you.” Caleb spoke up from by the door. Nott nodded, her long ears bouncing. Yasha loomed behind them in agreement.</p>
<p>Caduceus buried his face in his hands, speaking through his fingers. “I don’t think I know who I am anymore. I used to have faith, not just in Melora, but faith that I was strong. That I was… the stable one, I guess. That I could take whatever was thrown at me, and, and still come out the other side and be able to help people. But the more I travel, the more I think I’m not strong at all. I don’t know why I’m here any more.”</p>
<p>Beau glanced at Fjord in confusion, then back at Caduceus. “Why did… why did you think you were here?”<br/><br/>Caduceus looked up at her. “To help you all, of course! To guide you to your purpose. I owe you all so much for helping me to find mine. I’m supposed to help you and... and now I can’t even do that.” He sounded distraught. </p>
<p>Because he <em> owed </em>them? That was the only reason? A thread of hurt coiled in his gut, but Fjord didn’t let it take hold. No. No, that wasn’t right.</p>
<p>“Dude! Do you really think you owe us anything?” Beau gesticulated wildly. “All of us would be long rotting at the bottom of some Xiorhassian swamp without you!”</p>
<p>“Caduceus, do you… do you like us?” Jester asked, voice small. “Like, you’re not just here because you think you owe us, right?”</p>
<p>Beau held up a hand, her eyebrows drawing together. “Actually, no, no you’re right ‘Deuces, you do owe us. You owe it to us to be fuckin’ truthful to yourself. Because you’re not here because of some, some ridiculous, imaginary debt. You can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to us. And ‘always being the strong, stable one’? Hell, man, I know what that is, that’s not faith, that’s fucking <em> pride</em>. That’s arrogance to think you’re never gonna need anyone else. You gotta let go of that shit.” </p>
<p>Caduceus’ shoulders slumped further. Fjord clasped Beau’s shoulder and she stopped, waiting for what he had to say.</p>
<p>“Why are you really here, Caduceus?” he asked gently.<br/><br/>Caduceus was quiet. </p>
<p>It lasted so long that Fjord started to worry that he wasn’t going to get an answer. That they had pushed the wrong buttons, gone too far. </p>
<p>But then Caduceus sighed, finally turning to look him in the eyes. “Because I care about all of you. Because I’m not letting you go wandering into those peace talks or, or a volcano, without being there with you. How could I go home, knowing you were all still out here? How could I go back to that… that tiny house, that <em> tiny </em> world? My family, they don’t know me anymore. They were gone so long. They don’t know who I’ve become. There’s so <em> much </em> out here, and, and…” his shoulders shook with a suppressed sob, and Fjord reached out of worried reflex to grasp his stooped shoulder. But Caduceus swallowed through and kept going, deep voice shaking and cracking more with every word, “I’m terrified. Because I know, deep down, that when I go h-h-home… it won’t b-be <em> home </em>any more. B-because it’s here. With all of you.”</p>
<p>Caduceus barely had time to burst into ugly, heaving sobs before Jester shot towards him in a blur of blue and wrapped herself around him. </p>
<p>“Dude,” Beau said, her voice suspiciously thick. Nott dashed across the room and up onto the bed, squeezing in to wrap skinny arms around Caduceus’ waist, Caleb close behind. Even Yasha walked forward to pat him awkwardly on the shoulder. Fjord hesitated for a moment, but then Caduceus opened a watery eye, one hand extending in a wordless plea, and Fjord instantly felt any resistance crumble as he leaned in to wrap his arms around Caduceus’ skinny shoulders. He could feel him shaking. </p>
<p>Finally, Caduceus chuckled wetly, wiping his eyes with the back of one hand and leaning back. Fjord let go, giving him a little space, but leaving one hand clasped tightly on his shoulder. </p>
<p>“I suppose it could be worse. My parents did apologise to me for abandoning me in the Grove for ten years.”</p>
<p>Jester peeked out from underneath Caduceus’ hair. “They did?”<br/><br/>“Oh yeah. So that’s something, right? At least they realise...”</p>
<p>Jester nodded with a sad little smile. “At least they acknowledged that you got hurt. Even if it wasn’t really anyone’s fault.”</p>
<p>He sniffed, swaying slightly. “Exactly.” Then he looked up and seemed to fully realise that all of them were there, clustered around him. “Uh… sorry about all that, but please, don’t… don’t feel like you have to stay. I’ll be fine. I know you were enjoying yourselves in the bar...”<br/><br/>Beau snorted. “Dude, you think we’re leaving you here alone after that? Plus I think that hallucinogenic fruit's kicking in cos your pupils are like, the size of dinner plates, and friends don’t let friends be high alone. Hell no. Scoot over.”</p>
<p>“Huh. I was wondering why your hair was turning green. And now you mention dinner plates, I am kind of hungry.” </p>
<p>Jester perked up. “We can order room service!” She let go of Caduceus to bounce to her feet. “Nott, do you want to get the blankets from our room?”<br/><br/>“Yeah!! Sleepover!” Nott screeched enthusiastically a little too close to Fjord’s ear.</p>
<p>“And my friend, you have nothing to apologise for.” Caleb spoke up on Caduceus' other side. “We are all here for each other. It took me a long time to learn that, but that is why we are strong as a group. Because we are together.” He flashed Caduceus a rare smile. “And you know, we’re pretty tough cookies. You don’t have to worry about us all the time. We can look after ourselves.”</p>
<p>“And we’re here for you as well, If you want us to be.” Yasha said quietly as Nott and Jester started yelling their food orders into the corridor. “We care about you, Caduceus. I hope you know that.”</p>
<p>“Oh I do,” Caduceus sighed with a smile, letting his eyes close. “It’s the only thing I’m sure of.”</p>
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